Taliban shadow authorities acknowledged by United Nations for anti-corruption drive

HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN — The United Nations has awarded its prestigious Public Service Award to the Taliban Shadow Authorities of Helmand Province to commemorate their widespread, profitable efforts to root out corruption since re-assuming management of the province in 2015.

“Though the United Nations is a cabal of apostates and canines,” a Taliban spokesman stated in an announcement. “Even infidels could generally applaud our utility of the ideas of Shariah as uncompromising and heroic.”

He added that the decapitated heads of former corrupt authorities officers have been positioned on show on pikes across the province to “preserve our momentum on this effort to make sure good governance for all of the Afghan folks.”

Current surveys performed by the Asia Basis found that Helmand is the least corrupt province in Afghanistan by far. Solely 2% of Afghans dwelling in Helmand reported paying a bribe within the final yr, in comparison with greater than 60% of Afghans throughout the nation. The Taliban have achieved this by way of what the UN press launch termed its “uncompromising utility of conventional justice ideas, that are suited to native cultural situations.”

The US authorities’s Particular Inspector Common for Afghanistan Reconstruction lately recognized Helmand as a “uncommon success story” in Afghanistan, though US and Afghan authorities forces deserted the province three years in the past.

Tadamichi Yamamoto, the head of the UN Help Mission in Afghanistan, stated this represents an incredible step ahead for the folks of Helmand.

“Simply 10 years in the past, this province was a humanitarian catastrophe space,” he informed assembled reporters haling from as distant as Iran, Pakistan and Norway at a press convention. “Ladies learning in faculties have been being massacred. Native tribal leaders have been shamelessly stealing worldwide help because it flowed in. Now there aren’t any ladies faculties and nobody is actually sending any help to steal. Relying on the way you learn these numbers, its actually an general internet plus.”

The UN Public Service Award is an annual award that showcases the institutional contribution made by public servants to boost the function, professionalism, picture and visibility of the general public service. As a part of the award, the Taliban will obtain a money award of $300,000 to assist native improvement initiatives. A spokesman stated they’ll use the cash to construct a brand new stadium to carry executions in, and if there’s any cash left over, to purchase goats.