Report: Psychopaths in health club locker room not carrying any bathe footwear

KELLEY BARRACKS, Germany — Various psychopathic patrons of Kelley Health Heart aren’t carrying bathe footwear whereas altering or showering, sources confirmed at this time.

“It’s one thing I see each day,” mentioned Senior Chief Petty Officer Phil Kubiak, who works within the Africa Command J7 part. “Guys simply standing there, on the naked concrete ground, in nothing however their ft. No bathe footwear or nothing.”

“A number of these guys are older, retired colonels or no matter, they’ve been round troopers for many years, so that you’d suppose they might know higher,” agreed Employees Sgt. Brian Welter, an assistant watch NCO within the joint operations heart. “Who of their proper thoughts would put their naked ft on a floor that different service members have sweated and farted and gotten their grossness throughout it?”

When confronted about their un-hygienic behavior, lots of the perpetrators remained unrepentant.

“It’s only a tile ground,” mentioned Trey Norris, a retired Air Power colonel who’s now a GS-15 and places in 4 exhausting hours a day within the J-35, though he payments for eight. “It’s not an enormous deal. In case you’ve simply taken a bathe, the 10-second stroll in naked ft again to your locker isn’t going to present you some type of illness.”

The Kelley Barracks clinic has confirmed, nevertheless, that Norris and a number of other dozen others have been identified with a previously-uncategorized sickness that Military medical researchers have tentatively referred to as “Foot AIDS.”

“Foot hygiene is the very least of our considerations,” mentioned Marine Brig. Gen. Travis Lasley (Ret.), now the civilian deputy intelligence officer. “I’m way more anxious about these offensive posters within the locker room about ‘lockers are for every day use solely’ and don’t go away your stuff in there in a single day. Did they should put an Asian lady in a sports activities bra on the poster? That’s the very last thing I want once I’m attempting to get modified within the locker room. Highschool children are available right here to work out, you already know.”

A survey of Lasley’s medical information confirmed he was handled on 9 totally different events for STDs after western Pacific deployments. Counterintelligence personnel additionally reported that Lasley is presently being honey-potted by a not-that-pretty feminine Algerian assortment agent on the Dormero resort, mere blocks from Kelley Barracks.

For all of the uproar, nevertheless, the observe is unlikely to alter, as base officers are detest to impose guidelines on the locker room, suggesting that health club personnel ought to be accountable for such regulation modifications. For now, patrons are nonetheless allowed to trace no matter disgusting filth they’ve on their ft across the locker room with them, contributing to the petri dish of pores and skin illness presently rising within the Kelley health club like The Andromeda Pressure.

Even the feminine locker room shouldn’t be proof against the observe, based on Sgt. 1st Class Evelyn Huck, who works within the J1.

“You suppose naked ft are the issue?” Huck requested, incredulous. “Simply as soon as I’d wish to get modified in there with out having to see a bunch of middle-aged vaginas.

“So…a lot bush,” she whispered, shuddering.