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Navy clarifies the distinction between RUMINT, scuttlebutt and gouge

WASHINGTON — The Chief of Naval Operations immediately revealed a long-awaited instruction clarifying the distinction between rumor intelligence, scuttlebutt and gouge.

OPNAV Instruction 9710894.666, Understanding and Disseminating RUMINT, Scuttlebutt and Gouge, was launched to extensive acclaim by previously-confused seamen and uncomprehending junior officers. The instruction is designed to enhance efficiency and morale by serving to the Navy develop a Widespread Gouge Image, as an alternative of its present customary of permitting E-4s and O-2s fleet-wide to dictate what disconnected crap the CNO is studying in his workplace each morning.  

In line with the instruction, RUMINT is “single-source data strictly supposed for the aim of sowing discontent, or for permitting that one seaman to behave like she’s completely within the know.”

For example, the instruction cites RUMINT unfold by a yeoman in Yemen frigate can be stationed on the North Pole since all of the ice melted there. This prompted well-meaning sailors worldwide to request transfers as a way to assist save drowning polar bears plus take nude selfies on the prime of the world.

Scuttlebutt, however, is now codified as “RUMINT that has been restated by three or extra sailors, one among whom should be not less than a petty officer top quality.” The current scuttlebutt that the 2019 JADE HELM train would overthrow the Trump administration is taken into account a wonderful instance, whereas additionally serving for example of “gouge,” officers mentioned.

Gouge, the instruction says, is taken into account to be “scuttlebutt that’s reality, similar to information that the Pacific Fleet was identified to be in bother as early as 2015. With a view to turn into gouge, scuttlebutt should be restated by not less than one chief petty officer, three lieutenant commanders, and one captain who isn’t linked to the Fats Leonard scandal and who by no means crashed a ship in the course of the Pacific Ocean.

With this instruction, sailors now know that the RUMINT about sending SEALs to combat California forest fires with overwhelming firepower is fake. Additionally they know that the scuttlebutt about sailors being allowed to put on man-buns is true. And at last, everybody within the nation’s sea service has the gouge concerning the Pacific Fleet, so attempt to not get transferred there to your personal security.

At press time, the Navy’s Workplace of Data mentioned it will quickly publish an instruction clarifying the distinction between a captain’s mast, an old-school keelhauling, and being assigned to Norfolk, Va.

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