SAN DIEGO — Non-deployable sailors can breathe a heavy sigh of reduction as Navy officers plan to implement its new “Deploy or Get Promoted” coverage, sources confirmed at this time.
The brand new coverage, deemed ingenious by CNN army analysts, will make sure the Navy floods its higher ranks with sailors who’re injured, lazy, PT-failing, work-averse as a risk to inspire them to turn into deployable. Senior Navy leaders are optimistic.
“We are going to instantly start processing promotions for sailors who’ve been non-deployable for 24 months or extra,” mentioned Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson. “Even these sailors who’ve intentionally missed medical and immunization appointments to keep away from deployment will have the ability to keep behind and ‘run shit.’ I imply, we issued tons of medical waivers when these individuals enlisted. It’s time we money in that examine and develop them into the longer term we’d like.”
The brand new coverage seeks to advertise lazy, wounded broke-dicks, in addition to nugatory skaters, and it has garnered assist within the senior enlisted ranks.
“Everybody who doesn’t need to be right here, doesn’t need to contribute, and doesn’t consider in our mission needs to be given greater ranges of responsibly. It’s the one method they will develop into the leaders we’d like them to be,” mentioned Grasp Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith.
“I at all times prefer to say, ‘The early hen will get the shitter-scrubbing obligation as a result of they’re motivated,’” mentioned Senior Chief Petty Officer John Gillespie. “However the sailors who arrive late from phony medical appointments? They’ve administration written throughout them! I’m critical. Don’t take a look at me. We’ll do it. Get in line and make your self deployable, or else!” he mentioned whereas pointing to his rank insignia with a smirk.
Roughly 11 % of members within the U.S. army — roughly 286,000 — meet this standards for rapid promotion into roles which are anticipated to swell with incompetence.
After receiving their pressured promotion, the sailors will likely be anticipated to attend management coaching utterly towards their will, discover ways to delegate all of their assigned duties, and be taught the precious artwork of shirking accountability and hiding behind sham ignorance to be able to keep away from placing forth any effort in any respect.
Nevertheless, not all sailors are getting on-board with this new coverage.
“This may by no means work,” mentioned Petty Officer third Class Mike Jones whereas hiding behind some cupboards to keep away from being chosen for a cleansing get together. “They’re already making an attempt to deluge management ranks with ineffective, nugatory leaders who present ‘potential.’ It’s a program known as Annapolis. Ever heard of it?”
There’s a minimum of one exception to the coverage: in case you are non-deployable attributable to being lifeless, then you possibly can relaxation in peace understanding that you’ll not be posthumously promoted towards your will.
Officers additionally confirmed that their subsequent coverage initiative will deal with elevating low morale, one thing the Navy has been mysteriously plagued with for practically fifty years.