Millennials flock to affix army’s new ‘Protected Area’ pressure

BERKELEY, Calif. — Navy recruiting workplaces have been overwhelmed with millennials in search of to affix the Pentagon’s upcoming “Protected Area” Pressure, sources confirmed as we speak.

The proposed pressure got here on the suggestion of President Donald Trump whereas chatting with a gaggle of younger Marines stationed in Miramar, California. The speech was later shared on social media by quite a lot of millennials at present missing the requisite health to affix the present army, however who had been passionate about decreased bodily requirements of the Protected Area Pressure.

“Since there isn’t any gravity in house — and due to this fact no weight — they will’t discriminate in opposition to fit-but-fat folks like me,” mentioned Suzanne Paunchy, a gender-studies main that stands 5’four” and is now all the way down to 195 kilos after her latest juice cleanse.

In interviews exterior the Marine Corps recruiting workplace in Berkeley, quite a lot of potential enlistees spoke of the advantages of their service within the Protected Area Pressure, which senior protection officers say would doubtless fall underneath the Division of the Air Pressure.

“I haven’t been capable of finding a job that I’m captivated with since I graduated with my poetry diploma, so I moved again in with my dad and stepmom,” mentioned Ezra Bard, who graduated from UC-Berkeley in 2013.  “Outer house looks as if an effective way to flee the greed of the company world. I simply hope the cafeteria serves avocado toast, and that they pay sufficient for me to afford my Spotify premium subscription.”

“That is the primary good thought Trump has had,” mentioned Hillary Stein, a liberal arts main who’s father just lately bought her a Mercedes together with his rebate from the brand new tax plan. “I heard that Elon Musk goes to be the Commanding Common of the Protected Area Pressure, and he invented electrical energy so meaning he’s actually sensible.”

Nonetheless, some had been extra passionate about escaping Earth slightly than the prospect of public service .

“I heard local weather change will trigger the earth to grow to be uninhabitable subsequent 12 months, so people might want to transfer to a different galaxy to outlive. I’m excited to be a bona-fide Area Cadet, and I hope to battle the Buggers similar to that child from Ender’s Recreation,” mentioned Dwight Dorkus, a gluten free vegan and serves as president of the U.C. Berkeley Comedian-Con Membership.