Gunny solves unit morale issues with revolutionary THROATPUNCH System

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Gunnery Sgt. Lyle Coolridge has developed an revolutionary new management methodology referred to as the “T.H.R.O.A.T.P.U.N.C.H. System” to resolve his unit’s morale issues, sources confirmed at the moment.

In line with Coolridge, the system attracts on among the most innovative administration practices and psychological analysis to maximise morale amongst his Marines and treatment situations starting from “obligation blues” to “continual butthurt.”

Coolridge described how he places the system, which stands for “Whole Happiness Treatment, Or, Development Remedy for Efficiency Upturns in Pure Fight Well being,” into motion together with his Marines.

“Principally, I punch them within the fucking throat,” stated Coolridge. “Mouthing off? THROATPUNCH! Soiled barracks? THROATPUNCH! Works each time.”

Low ranges of morale have plagued many models just lately, and youthful Marines say it’s as a result of management simply doesn’t perceive their technology. High Marine officers assume this method will assist them higher join with millennials, who don’t reply properly to extra conventional management strategies.

“This technology doesn’t get that once I’m knife-handing and belittling them in public, I’m simply mentoring them,” stated Lt. Col. Bryce Scott, Coolridge’s commanding officer. “They want all this science-y stuff like THROATPUNCH and ‘efficiency counseling’ to make them really feel higher.”

Scott says that earlier than Coolridge launched the system, self-discipline within the unit was abysmal. Now, he says morale within the unit is at an all-time excessive, and never a single Marine has complained since he started incorporating the therapy battalion-wide.

“Most Marines cease complaining inside seconds of therapy, and a few have even stopped shifting and respiration altogether. I’m contemplating placing Gunny Coolridge in for Workers NCO of the Yr,” stated Scott. “His Marines all have that chilly useless stare that solely comes with self-discipline and true esprit de corps.”

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