Flat Earther saves Coast Guard Cutter from falling off fringe of the world


PACIFIC OCEAN — Boatswains Mate third Class Jeremy Kane on Tuesday rescued the Coast Guard Cutter Waesche from dropping off the sting of the Earth about 200 miles off the coast of Hawaii, sources confirmed right this moment.

“After studying my favourite flat earth Instagram accounts and changing all of the charts within the chart desk with my very own customized drawn flat earth maps, I knew we’d be protected,” stated Kane. “C’mon sheeple! You see the earth is flat as a result of our maps are flat, plus you possibly can see it’s flat if you stand on it. In case you learn up on all my blogs concerning the Zetetic Methodology and the correlation between the Kennedy assassination and the mole on Cindy Crawford’s face, you’ll see how extremely proper I’m.”

Kane was believed to be the laughing inventory of the Waesche’s navigation workforce, sometimes called Mr. Illuminati or Tila Tequila. However all doubts of Kane’s conspiracies have been countered when the cutter approached what’s often known as the Waters Above The Firmament.

The Waesche had been on a routine fisheries patrol when the cutter was thrown off track from the upcoming doom of falling into the deep abyss of area. That’s when Kane burst into motion by stating that the invisible floodgates of Sheol have been open and so they have been about to plummet into the void of area. The bridge workforce rapidly altered their course and safely navigated away from impending doom.

“I didn’t consider till I noticed it,” stated Chief Fred Mills. “I used to suppose conspiracy theories make dumb folks really feel sensible however now that I simply noticed the sting of the earth prefer it was the Niagara Falls, I’m satisfied that B.o.B. and Kyrie Irving have been proper all alongside!”

The cutter initially was speculated to finally administer humanitarian support to the South Pacific Islands who’ve been affected by latest Typhoons, however has diverted to seek out the UFO Hitler landed someplace in Antarctica.

“All of us thought every thing Kane stated was batshit loopy, however now we’re simply following no matter mission he finds on his all figuring out conspiracy web sites,” stated Mills. “We simply found that each one their flu vaccines have been inflicting the crew autism!”