DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Jesus provides your weekend security temporary

Greetings brothers and sisters. Earlier than you go forth, enable me to bestow on you some knowledge. I really feel like my Father hit these details about four,000 years in the past, however a few of you want a reminder.

For starters, no gods earlier than me and no idols, okay? What which means is don’t worship on the altar of Coors Gentle. Assume “What would Jesus do?” not “What number of pictures can I do?”

Don’t take my title in useless, and actually, simply watch your mouth usually. The best way a few of you speak would make Devil blush. It’s not okay to inform the younger girl who works at McDonald’s you need some “effing fries” and her “digits if she needs to get freaky.”

Hold holy the Sabbath, which for you is midnight tonight or 1600 Sunday, when you crammed out the suitable liberty paperwork. In different phrases, don’t miss curfew.

Honor your mom and father, or your first sergeant, for you orphans within the barracks. I do know they taught you to decorate in an applicable method, which doesn’t embrace exhibiting the world your undergarments, midriff, cleavage, or any portion of your bottom.

Don’t kill anybody, okay? That’s a biggie proper there. Not solely is it a mortal sin, which might trigger you to burn in hell for all eternity, however it’s a large mountain of paperwork for the employees.

No adultery, of us. It is best to solely “know” your individual husband or spouse. And whereas we’re on the subject of marriage, don’t exit and get married this weekend except you could have your commanding officer’s permission. Particularly don’t get married to somebody you meet at an institution that has hearth poles, mechanical bulls or neon lighting as a part of the décor.

Stealing, even when it’s only a pack of smokes or $10 out of your passed-out roommate, will get you brig time, my pal. If you happen to hadn’t wasted all that cash on a automotive with tricked out wheels and a BOSE sound system from that used automotive lot out the again gate, you would afford that new Xbox console you’ve been coveting. Talking of coveting, that’s technically a sin too. It is best to actually simply save your cash for issues like school, retirement or a educated lawyer, because you’ll most likely want one sometime.

Mendacity – yeah, you’re unhealthy at that, and I might know, since identical to Santa and the gunny, I do know the whole lot you do. Sure, we noticed you miscounting the situps (sinner), we all know what you do within the bathe (mortal sinner) and we all know in regards to the 6-pack underneath your rack (underage sinner). It’s higher to simply man/woman-up and admit your errors, they usually may be extra lenient on you at firm NJP.

Go in peace to like and serve Me and behave your self, or I swear to Buddha, I’ll inform the primary sergeant what you actually maintain in your footlocker.

Duffel Weblog author Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this text.