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Drunk hurricane calls Coast Guard at 2 A.M. asking for place to crash

PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the identify of Florence has reportedly been calling in any respect hours of the evening on the lookout for a spot to crash, in response to Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads.

“She’s fairly hammered,” stated Petty Officer Sam Vallin, who spoke to Florence, “She was saying issues like ‘HEY! It’s me yer greatest fuckin’ pal. I’m shitfaced from the Caribbean and I want a spot to go out and take a fackin’ shit’.”

Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads started making preparations on the off change Florence is what they name a Class four Shitstorm. This implies she’s going to probably arrive blackout drunk, start consuming the whole lot out of the fridge, puke within the sink, begin taking part in entice music at full quantity, begin a combat with the lamp, and have sustained winds of as much as 140 mph with a 24 ft storm surge.

The final reported contact from Florence was a drunk textual content with a blurry selfie and the message, “letz go 2 olive backyard im fukin #REKT”.

The previous drunk hurricanes of 2017 had been devastating to the Coast Guard, costing as much as $900 million of all-hands-on-deck rescue and restoration operations. Hurricane Florence’s drunken arrival may add to that value and trigger excessive injury as a result of her erratic habits and tendency to get actually dramatic about small shit for no aside motive.

The Coast Guard plans to arrange for the eventual arrival of Florence by supplying Further-Power Advil, a large bottle of water, an additional set of blankets, and a Dwelling Depot-sized puke bucket as a result of no one desires a repeat of final time.

At press time, Coast Guardsmen confidently assumed that Florence’s response within the aftermath would probably be, “What occurred final evening? lol was I that drunk?”

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