‘Deploy or get out’ coverage ends in closure of Pentagon

THE PENTAGON — Following the discharge of its new ‘deploy or get out‘ coverage, the Pentagon has now introduced it is going to be closing down inside the subsequent 12 months because the class “medically undeployable” applies to 93% of the constructing’s navy workforce.

The brand new plan, which the Protection Division had hoped would inspire and streamline the navy for larger lethality by demanding troops be medically in a position to deploy or be pressured out, has apparently include unintended penalties.

“The scenario we face at present is de facto unprecedented, definitely within the post-World Conflict II period,” Robert Wilkie, below secretary of protection for personnel and readiness, advised a Senate Armed Companies subcommittee. “On any given day, tens of 1000’s of troops are medically incapable of being deployed. We simply didn’t notice the overwhelming majority of them had been right here within the Pentagon.”

“I can not imagine they’re doing this to us. We had been attempting to go after these shammer, slacker, shitbag varieties like in admin retailers and logistics, not us vital resolution makers,” stated Cmdr. Susan Essex, one of many architects of the proposal, as she bounded out of her SUV in a coveted Pentagon south-parking handicap house, which she’s entitled to make use of resulting from a bunion she had 14 months in the past.

Nonetheless, others had been much more livid at studying requirements would apply to them.

Col. Jeff Mankowitz, a member of the Joint Workers’s J7 Joint Coaching and Exercising division, was contemplating searching for authorized counsel over the DoD’s resolution in addition him, just because he hasn’t taken a bodily health take a look at in “like, about, perhaps, like a decade?”

“That is whole bullshit. I’ve a medical waiver for irritable bowel syndrome,” stated Mankowitz whereas having fun with his second Qdoba burrito within the third hall meals courtroom. “I’m so careworn about all this, I need to hit Baskin Robbins earlier than my subsequent assembly, nevertheless it’s all the best way over in seventh hall, and my scooter is low on batteries, ugh.”

Mankowitz added: “That is all about deployability? I deployed twice this yr! Proper after my [temporary duty assignment] to Oahu, I had that 30 day pump in [U.S. Central Command], and yeah, it was at CENTCOM HQ in Tampa, however technically being ‘at’ CENTCOM, counts as being ‘in’ CENTCOM. Apart from, the J7’s bowling group shirts simply got here in. They are saying ‘beltway bandits’ on them and every thing!”

When reached for remark, representatives from the Workplace of the Secretary of Protection hinted that the brand new coverage wouldn’t have an effect on each service-member within the constructing.

“We realized the brand new coverage would cull the workers right here right down to nearly nothing,” stated Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White. “However then we got here throughout an previous manpower effectivity report from the McNamara days, and it seems, 93% of the individuals on this constructing are ineffective anyway, so in the meanwhile, the day-to-day might be dealt with by a platoon of Marines straight led by Secretary Mattis who will talk with them through knife hand, intense glares, and telepathy. We anticipate productiveness to extend ten-fold.”

At press time, nevertheless, sources confirmed the Pentagon can be offered to Amazon to deal with its new secondary headquarters and that a veteran’s hiring honest can be held within the courtyard, which would come with free donuts and most well-liked seating to the primary 17,000 “medically undeployable” individuals.

Grumpy, our grumpy former editor, contributed reporting.