NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Following outrage over a viral video during which an Air Nationwide Guardsman reenlisted whereas sporting a dinosaur hand puppet, Tennessee Nationwide Guard Adjutant Basic Maj. Gen. Terry Haston introduced punishments successfully ending the prolonged careers of three senior guardsman, sources confirmed at present.
Essentially the most senior officer, an unnamed colonel who administered the reenlistment oath, was instantly compelled to retire at a decreased rank of lieutenant colonel. That is additionally the identical rank at which Jeffrey Sinclair was compelled to retire after making a plea discount to cut back sexual assault expenses to responsible pleas for adultery, mistreating a junior officer, soliciting specific pictures from feminine officers, possessing pornography in a fight zone, and abusing a authorities cost card.
“I hope this sends a message to all our troopers and airman that making an attempt to inject some light-hearted humor right into a sacrosanct navy ceremony is a severe offense,” stated the portly normal, as he reached his hand right into a bag of pork rinds.
Haston defended his choice, noting that Jeffrey Sinclair was decreased two ranks, whereas he solely decreased the unnamed colonel one rank.
“In my estimation, permitting your subordinate to reenlist with a sock puppet is roughly half as unhealthy as forcing your subordinate to carry out oral intercourse after which threatening to kill her,” stated Haston, as he tried to wipe a mustard stain off of his uniform.
Haston famous his intent is to separate the wheat from the chaff inside his group, eliminating leaders who he deems missing in management abilities.
“We purpose to advertise good management, which is exemplified by actions comparable to destroying morale inside your group by levying draconian punishments for minor infractions for the sake of political expediency, kowtowing to the whims of social media vigilantes affected by Outraged Veteran Syndrome, and sustaining a physique fats proportion underneath 45%.”
“I attempt to keep up excessive requirements inside my group,” added Haston, as he reached for his second serving of birthday cake.