Captain Jack Sparrow named new Coast Guard commandant

COAST GUARD STATION NEAR YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW EVEN EXISTED — The Coast Guard has suspended Hurricane Florence reduction operations as a way to handle a service-wide racism downside that no one even knew about till one among its personal performed the “circle sport” on nationwide tv yesterday, sources confirmed at this time.

Throughout a briefing concerning the response to Hurricane Florence, an unnamed Coast Guardsman, seen within the background, appeared to scratch his brow after which make a circle together with his thumb and forefinger as one other service member briefed reporters.

The gesture was instantly seen by the nation’s greatest thinkers, who’re all on Twitter, Vice and Fb. After scores, or possibly 5, intellectuals reported the offensive act, the Coast Guard sailed into — or really, out of — motion.

“We’re conscious of the offensive video on twitter – the Coast Guard has recognized the member and eliminated him from the response,” the service tweeted. “His actions don’t replicate these of the USA Coast Guard.”

Operations then ceased as lots of of Coast Guardsmen departed the Jap Seaboard to assemble in entrance of big screens positioned effectively ashore, on which PowerPoint briefings projected pictures of reported racists making the circle gesture, akin to Alabama law enforcement officials, Oprah Winfrey, Colin Kaepernick, and — briefly — Presidents Trump, Obama and Clinton.

Talking at a hastily-called press convention distant from Florence’s impression, Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray instructed reporters, “We was tremendously busy with the response to Florence, so we don’t have time for these video games, whether or not they’re supposed as innocent enjoyable or are literally symptomatic of a long-standing, service-wide Aryan skinhead alt-right hate downside we simply discovered about like, nineteen hours in the past.”

Ray added: “However now that the nation is aware of that we’re actually a bunch of heehawing, Sieg-Heiling fascists simply searching for the prospect to disregard a minority’s misery name, we’ve ceased all operations worldwide as a way to conduct sensitivity coaching concerning the racist ‘circle sport.’” 

However whereas talking, Ray scratched his ear, which in accordance with the Web is a white energy gesture that symbolizes crackers not wanting to listen to minorities communicate fact to energy.

He was instantly faraway from the rostrum by his personal safety element and changed by Commandant Karl Schultz, who was subsequently eliminated after an American Signal Language interpreter to his left made the letter “f” together with his hand whereas Schultz spoke. That letter is identical “A-OK” image utilized by white supremacists, Coast Guardsmen and deaf People, in accordance with a number of Redditors contacted by Duffel Weblog.

Response to the Coast Guard’s response was swift among the many nation’s 5 navy forces.

“Overblown,” declared Air Power Grasp Sgt. Jermaine Grier, two-time winner of the Pacific Air Forces’ annual circle sport competitors. “Initially, it was above the waist. That’s a foul and the captain — or was it a petty officer? I can’t inform their ranks — ought to have turned proper round on digital camera and punched that man’s arm off.”

On the Pentagon, Grasp Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith famous that whereas everybody must fight racism, the A-OK signal was disguised as a scratch, which violates guidelines.

“It may possibly’t be arrange like that,” he mentioned, including, “talking for America’s actual sailors, we work exhausting to keep up excessive requirements of integrity and honor.” Smith then turned to an aide and requested the statistics on what number of Pollywogs kissed the Royal Child within the final fiscal quarter.

After the video of the gesture went viral, gross sales of Margaret Atwood’s 1966 poetry e book, “The Circle Sport,” elevated dramatically in Coast Guard exchanges nationwide. This brought about the Coast Guard’s Workplace of Public Affairs to tweet, “The e book, ‘The Circle Sport,’ just isn’t an instruction guide. Moreover, Joni Mitchell’s 1970 track of the identical identify is to not be performed throughout any Coast Guard formation.”