WASHINGTON — After years of embarrassment and wounded avenue cred, prime Air Power generals hosted a summit this previous weekend to deal with the best disaster at present going through their service: zero circumstances of stolen valor.
“All people needs to decorate up and fake to be a Marine or soldier or Navy SEAL. How come no one needs to be an Airman? Now we have pilots! Doesn’t anyone wish to be a pilot?” lamented Air Power Chief of Workers, Gen. David Goldfein.
Though the summit was unable to definitively reply that query, Air Power public affairs officers have been engaged on a program to deal with the issue, in keeping with sources conversant in the matter.
A brand new unit of elite airmen will fake to be civilians pretending to be elite airmen, one senior official mentioned, including that different airmen will then movie the supposed fakers and add the footage to YouTube. “We name it ‘Fight Faker Digicam,’” the supply mentioned.
Air Power veterans, nonetheless, argue the idea isn’t new. Col. Robert “Dragon” Robertson (Ret.) claims to have led a Chilly Battle black op with the same mission — one which molded the service into what it’s at this time.
“We tried our damnedest to get folks to name us out as fakers. E-3s with larger racks than Chesty Puller; making up phony-sounding job titles like ‘Fight Weatherman;’ claiming we had ‘deployed’ to locations the place no one was even preventing: Korea, Italy, Oklahoma,” he mentioned. “Hell, I earned my third Purple Coronary heart getting diabetes at a Krispy Kreme.”
The grizzled former commander leaned again in his chair and took a swig of whiskey, “We misplaced a number of good males that day.”
By the mid-eighties, Robertson claims that just about 100 p.c of the service’s personnel had been drafted into the highest secret program, which was by no means formally cancelled.
Regardless of the controversy, the brand new unit has already been greenlit and allotted a sum of $10 billion, most of which has gone to the development of a state-of-the-art base in Hollywood, California. With rows of studio backlots, high-end film gear and, in fact, leisure services of the best caliber, the unit is well-equipped to execute its mission of stolen valor manufacturing. In the meantime, superior surveillance gear will observe any precise circumstances of stolen valor spurred by the daring new marketing campaign.
“The long run is brilliant,” mentioned Workers Sgt. Kelly Engles, an intelligence analyst. “Final night time we uncovered what we expect is likely to be the primary recorded honest-to-God case of Air Power stolen valor.”
Sadly for Engles and her crack crew, additional investigation revealed that the hubbub was just a few cyber techniques operator drunkenly assaulting a Greyhound bus driver.