Report: Oh fuck, right here comes the Chaplain

YOUR LOCATION — Capt. Alan Michaels, the Battalion Chaplain, is on a direct course in your rapid gaggle of troopers, leaving a path of useless conversations and awkward silence in his wake, sources confirmed at the moment.

Michaels is probably finest identified for his lengthy, pointless tales from boot camp, often advised in an effort to remind the privates and specialists that he’s simply one other soldier such as you.

Specialists predict that Chaplain Michaels will arrive momentarily, seemingly uttering the phrase “keep on, simply fake I’m not right here.” From there, Michaels is anticipated to smile broadly, as uneasy seems are exchanged between privates who have been simply moments earlier than discussing their favourite disgusting sexual maneuvers.

“I’m not going to be the one explaining the ‘Offended Pirate’ to Chap, not to mention extra complicated and harmful strikes just like the ‘Unhappy French Clown,’ the ‘Drunk Uncle’, or the ‘Requiem for a Dream,’” mentioned one specialist on situation of anonymity.

Regardless of there being 4 different corporations within the battalion, Chaplain Michaels is anticipated to announce that “there’s no place he’d relatively be on a Sunday morning” than with the members of your specific firm, “besides possibly watching soccer, that’s!”

“I swear to Christ, if he’s received his guitar with him once more, I’m changing to Satanism,” a close-by sergeant was overhead saying.

At press time, Chaplain Michaels was seen reminding the corporate atheist that he’ll be holding a nondenominational service over by the flagpole at 1100 hours.

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