New Semper Gumby health program stretches limits of Marine Corps PT

QUANTICO, Va. —  The Marine Corps plans to introduce a brand new health program, though some detractors say it may stretch the bounds of conventional bodily coaching.

“It will put together these new Marines for the actual Corps,” one senior enlisted Marine informed reporters on situation of anonymity. “You must be further versatile when coping with the Inexperienced Weenie. Them cheeks ain’t gonna unfold themselves.”

Dubbed the Semper Gumby health program, officers say it would primarily deal with flexibility, with an emphasis on adjusting to an ever-changing battle discipline. Some new workouts embody standing in formation for hours, mountaineering ungodly distances after transport fails to reach, and bending over on the waist.

“Flexibility is an important facet of any Marine Corps unit,” mentioned Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps. “One minute you’re about to fly to Iraq and combat ISIS, the subsequent you’re sitting in a tent in Kuwait, drooling via the 11th hip pocket class of the day. We wish particular person Marines to get used to these tempo modifications within the rear.”

Neller mentioned it’s probably that the Corps’ bodily health check shall be modified to accomadate the brand new program.

“We’re operating preliminary trials the place Marines are informed the bottom basic is coming after which timing them on how rapidly they’ll clear their rooms, whereas marking how lengthy they’ll stand outdoors them earlier than they begin to sit down,” Neller mentioned.

The Corps was additionally testing an train the place they’re given a rag to maneuver forwards and backwards throughout a rubber rifle, which might assist them be simpler on the armory.

Officers mentioned no date had been finalized Corps-wide implementation, though sources declare it may very well be no later than subsequent month, or maybe subsequent yr.

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